Your Life is FULL of Relationships.

Parent-Child ~ Colleague ~ Lovers ~ Friends ~ Business

What is a healthy relationship?

Relationships are highly important for our wellbeing. When our relationships are healthy, it provides us the security and support we need to live our lives to the fullest. When our relationships are not healthy, and we dont feel supported or secure, its easy for our fight or flight system, to activate and our health can decline quickly and easily.

For a healthy relationship to occur, you both have to be a part of creating a space for open communication. It can be incredibly helpful for you both to constantly assess your own expectations, beliefs, actions and reactions and communicate these things with each other. Learning how to actively listen to each other and understand each others truth is just as important as communicating your needs.

Is it okay to have high expectations?

The expectations we have of the relationships in our life, are a reflection of our needs. Having expectations and needs met in a relationship, help us to feel safe, secure and happy. This is one of the core elements to our wellbeing. It is 100% okay to have these needs, and it is ok to have expectations that people will meet these, as long as these expectations aren’t taking away from the other persons needs.

It is what we do when these expectations aren’t met, that can make a healthy relationship or an unhealthy one. It is not helpful to demand that your needs are met nor is it wise to push our frustrations to the side and carry on like nothing has happened. It can create more harm than good…for both parties.  We not only need to communicate our needs, our expectations, and desires but also openly listen to the needs and capacity of the other person. It is in this space, that we can safely adjust our expectations to suit the relationship and the needs of everyone involved.

Holding onto these frustrations often means placing blame. Pointing the finger is what keeps us in this loop. We end up focusing on what it is we are NOT wanting to experience or not getting. We end up remembering what has happened in the past and anticipate what will happen or be said (or not done) in the future. We then go into each interaction expecting a certain response, and, we act according to that story we are expecting. This perpetuates our experiences.

Is the story true and are you truly listening?

We are always interpreting other peoples words and actions through our own filters. So, If you think about it, we are always going to see our own version of a situation. Particularly if we are setting expectations and anticipating other peoples reactions. We are then only focusing our mind on the details we ‘know’, and are essentially not taking in any new information that might give us a different insight into the situation. We are essentially creating our own truth, that may in fact be false. This is where you are likely to end up with many miscommunications and misunderstandings that add tension to your relationships and impact your own self esteem.

It is true that sometimes something might be outside of our comprehension, but most of the times, we just simply aren’t making the effort to understand.

In a conversation, it can be helpful to reflect what they have said back to them how you perceive it.

Doing the best we can with the resources we have!

MOST of the time the people in our lives don’t realise to what extent their words or actions are triggering us. Even if they are, their response is likely part of a default mode that has been set up often to protect them. They may not know how to change their response, or, that they can even.

They say that insanity is doing things the same way and expecting a different result. If you were to change the part your played in your interactions with those in your relationships would you get different results?

At the end of the day we need to remind ourselves that we are all expressing ourselves the best we can in each moment. let’s learn to understand each other.

Can people change when in a relationship?

It takes two to tango, but one to take the lead. If you want to change the current state of your relationship, you have to be the one to make the first steps. This doesn’t mean changing FOR the other person. This means changing yourself to who you want to be in the relationship. Once you shift yourself to who you desire to be, You feel more content and happy within yourself.  It is much easier to come from a place of love in this state, showing them the healthy ways to communicate their needs and desires. You then become a beacon of light to the other person and they may consciously or unconsciously choose to make the changes to fit your new space you have created.

How to have a good relationship

1. Express your feelings and needs in a healthy way.

It can be really easy to point fingers and say “you are doing this to me”. But, although their actions might trigger pain, it is our experience of our emotions that feels that way. Once we take responsibility for our feelings and stop blaming the other person, we can start to understand why we feel the way we do and articulate it clearly. We then stop pushing the other person in our relationship away (when we really want them closer) and start to create the environment we want in the relationship. Our feelings and reactions are valid, we just need to articulate them in a way that is clear.

One of the healthy ways I find helps to communicate is to start with:

I am feeling: – Not, “You make me feel” but “I am feeling…..about…..”. This takes the blame away from them. It also gives you a moment to really think about and understand the feelings you are experiencing.

I am wanting: Say what you need and want. it might be from the other person, it might be something the other person can help with.

I am willing to: What are you willing to do on your behalf to help that situation. or maybe there are even things that you are unwilling to do in the situation..

Using this framework gives you time to think about what you are feeling and wanting, gives the opportunity for the other person to understand what they can do to help you and feel more empowered to help.

2. Listen and respond consciously in your relationships

The longer we have known someone, we stop really being present with them and listening to them. It can be easy to hear them talking and, due to past conversations, assume their meaning. When we start responding in a conscious way, with love and awe like we once did, we will be surprised at how much the other people stop pressing our buttons and start responding with love also. Suddenly we are listening and hearing each other in different ways. Often, in ways that help us to feel supported, and heard. Remember, we are always growing learning and changing. So are the other people in our lives (if we give each other the opportunity to do so).

3. Stop expecting the worst, and start looking for (and being grateful for) the best.

When we focus our attention on the things that we want to change in our relationships, and the things that make us unhappy, we miss out on experiencing the things that do make us happy. We need to start taking more note of the things we are grateful for AND Express those to the people in our lives. If they are only hearing us say how we want them to change, they will never feel good enough. If we express the things that we are grateful for, they are more likely to do more of what we like.

“You never give me enough attention” ~~~~~~> “It felt amazing to watch the sunset with you the other night” 

4. Heal your trauma and past hurts.

For some of you reading this you may feel there is trauma and insecurities that are too powerful for you to feel safe enough in your relationships to express yourself and to stop expecting the worst.  This is where you may need support to heal past hurts and create new securities and tools to support yourself and help you feel safe. Kinesiology is a great tool that can be used to help release and repattern these experiences, release emotions from cellular level of the body and help you move forward.

5. Be 100% YOU in your relationships.

Know yourself. Be clear on your needs, your wants, your values, and live by those. You have to feel comfortable with yourself and your needs in a relationship. If you are trying to fill an emptiness within yourself through your relationships, you won’t be able to ask for what you need and communicate clearly.

Spend time filling yourself up and doing things that bring you joy and contentment and help you get a deeper understanding of yourself. The more you understand and feel confident within yourself, the more you can be yourself in relationships. When you can be yourself in a relationship, you don’t need to give away your power to feel appreciated. Your mind will be able to think clearly, you will feel less reactive and you will feel more comfortable expressing what you feel and what you need. This leaves you with more energy and vitality to feed into those important relationships in your life.

If you Need Help being the best version of you in your relationships.

Sometimes we need outside support to align with who we want to be. Hhere are a number of tools in my Kinesiology toolkit to help identify the factors in your growth and healing Healing trauma and aligning the body and the mind  with our desired outcomes is my passion. If you would like to talk more with me about how I can help you can contact me here, or you can book yourself in for an appointment today.

PLEASE NOTE: If you are reading this and are in a relationship where you do not feel safe in any capacity to be your own person, or express how you feel. You can access 24/7 counselling support at 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)